Never Ending Winter

Maybe it's just me, but it seems like this winter is never going to end.  I'm so tired of feeling cold all the time!  I'm tired of snow and ice.  I just want it to be 40 degrees.  The average high temperature this time of year is 38, but we haven't been close to that in weeks.  I wonder if the season and weather are contributing to my fatigue.

Yesterday was the start of week 8 of this pregnancy.  My symptoms seem to come and go lately.  I like it when they're gone, of course.  But, regardless of the nausea, I'm still tired all the time.  I've actually managed to lose another 1.4 pounds somehow.  I'm at 185.2 today.  So close to being out of the obese category!  Yet, obviously, I won't stay this way, which makes me a little sad.  As always, I'm worried about putting on a ton of weight during pregnancy and not being able to lose it.  I know a lot of women don't lose weight until they stop breastfeeding.  I am not patient enough to wait that long.  I really hope my body doesn't do that to me; I feel like my body has betrayed me enough as it is.

As far as emotions go, pregnancy has me thinking about a lot of different things.  I worry that I am going to resent my baby because of how much day care costs.  Maybe that sounds weird, but I earn too much money to stop working, yet day care is so expensive it makes my job resentment that much stronger.  I already hate this job (and every professional job I've ever had).  I'm worried I'll hate it 30% more when I see 30% of my take home pay going to pay a baby sitter.  I don't know why I think I'd resent the baby though, I'd rather be home with a baby than be here.  I guess, really, I'm just worried that I won't handle things well emotionally when I'm paying so much to come to a job I hate.  I don't know how other parents deal with this.  In my head, the full cost of day care comes out of my salary because I'm the one that would stay home if it were an option.

I still haven't told anyone about the pregnancy, but I feel like I'm going to slip up very soon.  Rob and I have talked about names a little.  Rob found some website and started a list of names.  The names he picked are horrible!  There's maybe one out of the fifteen he picked I could tolerate.  I don't like it, but I could deal with it if I had no other choice.  That's not a great record.  I'd love to read these names to someone else and see if they hate them as much as I do.  They all sound very, I don't know, ethnic or something.  Many of them sound/are Japanese.  We are not Japanese and I've never even been to Japan (and really, I have no desire to go, sorry).  Why would I want my kid to have a Japanese name?  That just doesn't compute with me.  If one of us were Japanese, then that would be a totally different story but I'm Irish and Swedish mostly and Rob is mostly German.

Anyway, in other news, I decided once and for all to move on from the toxic friends I had.  I feel good about that decision.  I was actually really worried about how they'd handle the news that I am pregnant, so it's kind of nice that I don't have to worry about that anymore.  Of course, one of them will not let things go; she's convinced she can somehow fix things.  She can't though.  If she actually cared about my feelings at all she wouldn't have let this go on for 10 years.  At the end of the day, she cares about the attention from men way more than she cares about me.  It's a little sad that she's so insecure, but that's just how she is.  At the moment I feel relieved though.  These former friends probably don't feel that way, but honestly, that's not my problem anymore.

So, I guess that's all that is happening here right now.  I'm very ready to get out of this office for the day so I can sleep!

Week 7

I must say, week 7 has been much better than the past two weeks of this pregnancy.  I'm very tired and still have breast tenderness, but I'm not nearly as nauseated.  I feel pretty good most of the time.  The worst part is the tiredness that hits me in the afternoons at work.  I would gladly pay to be able to take a nap most days.  I really wish that was an option.

As for weight stuff, I'm okay in that department.  I got down to 186.6 and I've been holding there for a few days now.  Today, my waist measurement was actually under 41 inches, which is the smallest it has been since I started tracking.  I'm pretty excited about that.  It figures I'd finally start seeing success on that front when I'm 7 weeks pregnant and there is zero chance of the losses sticking, right?

Other than that, life is just going on as usual.  My closest friends went to St. Louis for Mardi Gras last weekend.  As usual, they didn't invite me.  It's a messy situation that goes back over 10 years now; my friend's ex boyfriend decided that he didn't like me back when they were dating.  He badmouthed me to people and convinced them to hate me as well.  As a result, I'm not welcome at certain events, even though I never did anything to this guy or the people he convinced to dislike me.  My friends all just went along with the exclusion even though they've known all along I didn't do anything because it was easier for them.

So, ten years later, I am regularly left feeling hurt and like a second tier friend.  It sucks.  I think that I've finally had my limit.  I haven't talked to any of these friends since I found out about this years trip.  I'm just so done with this drama.  Plus, with a baby on the way I can't drink with them and do the stuff I used to enjoy with them anyway.  Once the baby is here obviously how I spend my time is going to change and I don't see these friends being all that interested in spending time with a kid.  I guess cutting ties is for the best, but it is still really hard.

I wish there was a way I could accept being left out and be okay with it, but I've been trying to be okay with it for 10 years and I'm just not.  I don't think my friends would be okay with it either if they were in my shoes.  I've talked about this with them many times, but no one will explain why this is still an issue and if there's anything I can do about it no one will tell me what that something is.  It's very frustrating, to say the least.  The whole situation has been on my mind a lot and I just don't see a solution.  It sucks to give up my closest friends.

Anyway, I hope everyone's having a good weekend.  I need to find something to do tonight, but I don't know if I'll be able to since Rob's pretty set on working on the table.  I can't wait for that table to be done.

Wrapping Up Week 6

Unfortunately, it's another miserable Monday here.  I think it is safe to say that gluten + dairy = misery for me.  Sad.  I feel terrible today, but I know it is from what I ate yesterday.  I gained 2 pounds and it's all bloat.  I didn't bother to measure myself this morning but I don't need a measuring tape to tell me that my waist is bigger right now, it's obvious.  

So, I guess that wraps up my food reintroduction experiments for now.  I know what I can handle (rice) and what I can't (other grains and dairy).  Sugar doesn't seem to have a negative physical impact on me, but I know it doesn't really help things.  Luckily, there are tons of great paleo recipes out there that will work and taste good.  Now I just need to come up with the discipline to stick with the program.

My task for today is to plan out a week's worth of meals since I'm off of work for President's Day.  I'm thinking about going back to frittatas for breakfast, but I don't know.  I don't like them much without cheese, to be honest.  Also, if last week was any indication, I probably won't actually be able to eat breakfast anyway.  I guess breakfast will be the lowest priority.  I can always get omelettes from the cafeteria at work anyway.  

Here's what I have come up with for dinners so far:

Monday - Chicken Piccata 

Tuesday - Pork Tenderloin with Roasted Vegetables

Wednesday - Steak, Sweet Potatoes, Mixed Greens

I can't think anymore right now, so that's all I'm going to plan.  I think I'll plan the rest one day at work this week.  Lunch will be left overs or I might venture out to Chipotle one day.  Exciting stuff.  

Hanging In There

I feel like a lot has happened since I posted last.  Rob and I hosted our White Elephant party and it was pretty fun.  The same day I attended my cousin's baby shower, which was also fun.  What wasn't so fun is that our party ran pretty late (1:00 am) and I ate a lot of junk.  Now, it was fun while I was eating it, but what followed was not fun AT ALL.  I ended up getting a migraine Sunday and I was so extremely nauseated Sunday that I wanted to die.  That stuck with me through Monday, as well.

See, that's the problem with getting pregnant while you do a Whole 30.  I have no idea what was caused by food re-introduction, lack of sleep or pregnancy.  I felt like I got punched with all three at once.  Sunday and Monday were super miserable.  By Tuesday though, I was convinced it was pregnancy related because I still felt pretty bad Tuesday and Wednesday.  Today, I feel less bad.  I don't feel 100% and I guess I haven't eaten much today (just half an avocado), but at least I don't feel like I'm going to throw up right now.  Earlier I thought I might be getting a UTI, but it was just a false alarm, I think.  So, I'm happy about that.

On Monday I had my first appointment with the midwives.  Of course, I only saw one of them, Marybeth.  They confirmed that I am indeed pregnant.  I didn't really need them to tell me that, since I felt so crappy that day and had/have a bunch of symptoms, but I suppose it's good to know my dollar store tests weren't lying to me.  We just went through medical history and all that jazz.   I'm not going back again until March, which seems like a long time, but obviously I have no idea what is normal.  I think the appointment after that we do an ultrasound.  That's when I'm expecting things to feel more real.  Right now, I just feel kind of run down and weird, but the idea that there's going to be an actual baby in 8 months isn't real in my head yet.

Anyway, during my appointment Marybeth told me I could take B-6 to help with morning sickness.  I don't know if it is a coincidence or if it worked, but I feel better now than I have in several days and I took one of my B-50 complexes this morning.  I hope that is why because that's something I can obviously repeat whenever.  The only other thing that has helped me cope has been hard candy, specifically, LemonHeads.  Gross, right?

As for weight and all that, today I'm at my lowest weight in at least 7 months.  I weighed 186.8 today.  Oddly though, my waist measurement is up over 42" again.  I don't know what exactly is going on with that, but I'm not surprised I've lost weight because I'm hardly able to eat.  I will take it though, because I know the gain is coming in the 2nd and 3rd trimesters and the lower I start, the less horrible of  a position I'll be in at the end.  That's how it goes in my head, at least.

I've kept up with exercise pretty well.  I haven't had the energy to do HIIT yet this week, but I did some weight training on Tuesday and regular programs on the elliptical every other weekday this week.  Boring, yes, but at least it's something.

This weekend is my nephew's first birthday party.  It's at a pizza place.  I have been dreaming about diving into some regular, non-gluten-free pizza for weeks.  At the same time, I'm very worried about how sick I'll be the next day after I do that.  I hope it doesn't make me regret being alive the way I felt Sunday and Monday.  I also cannot stop thinking about French fries and fried mozzarella sticks.  I have been thinking about those for several days now.  Would it be horrible if I gave in?  I'm very tempted to get some fries somewhere tonight.

1st Trimester Woes

I think I'm experiencing my first serious mood swing.  I'm really depressed right now and I feel like I could start crying at any moment.  I don't know if this is a pregnancy thing or just my let down now that the Whole 30 is over or what.

Right now, I am really worried about gaining weight.  I know it's normal during pregnancy, but it shouldn't happen for at least a few more months.  I know that if I start to eat anything outside the Whole 30 framework that I will gain weight right away.  I'm totally paranoid about it.  I gained 0.2 pounds since yesterday already, probably because I ate some chips and had 2 bites of a peanut butter cup.  I hate that it takes such a tiny amount to throw me totally off course.  With my body, there really is just no room for error.

I can't say that I'm enjoying pregnancy so far.  I don't feel that great.  I am tired and yawning all day lately, on top of going to bed around 8:30.  The breast tenderness is out of control.  I'm worried about what I am eating.  I'm also worried that someone is going to learn "my secret" before I'm ready to tell it.  That may be the hardest part, that I cannot tell anyone.  At the same time though, I don't really want to tell anyone either.

Maybe it's just me, but I don't really find the pregnant body to be beautiful.  I don't want to look like that and knowing that I will is upsetting.  I'm not like my sister or my cousin who can have a belly but look okay in pictures still.  I know I'll probably gain 30 pounds and end up the heaviest I've ever been.  That is terrifying.  I also know that I won't be able to lose the weight without a huge battle.  For my sister and cousin it just went away.  A few weeks after their babies were born they were back to their old selves, at least as far as anyone could tell.  The fact that my body doesn't work that way makes me feel like a failure.  Why do I have to wear my failures so openly on my body?  Why can't the be hidden like everyone else's?

Ugh, this just sucks.  I feel like I'm the only fat pregnant person.  I'm definitely the only one I've ever known.  I don't know if I should be seeing a therapist about this or what.  Maybe my midwife will be able to say something on Monday to put me in a different head space.  I don't know.  What I do know is that I'm really nervous and have no one to talk to in real life.  My husband doesn't get it.  He dove head first into beer and chocolate yesterday.  If I did that I'd undo everything I accomplished with the Whole 30 in a single night.  It feels so unfair.  My younger sisters drink wine every night.  If I do that, I just gain, gain, gain.

I hate my body so much.  Right now I feel cursed.  I want a nice looking body, is that really too much to ask?

Whole 30 - Complete!

Our Whole 30 is over.  I can hardly believe it!  I'm honestly not sure what to do right now, but so far today I have stuck with the program anyway.  It just occurred to me that I could have coffee with cream, or a diet coke, which seems weird.  I'm honestly afraid to try anything because I'll probably gain a bunch of weight.

So, I think this is a good time to reflect on the whole 30 from beginning to end.  Let's see:

• Skin - My break out has stopped, so there's definitely been improvement here.  My skin might be a little less dry, but it's hard to say.
  
• Hair - No real change here.  I probably need to wash it less often to see any real improvement.  Maybe I'll do that when I'm on maternity leave and no one cares how I look.
  
• Weight - Well, this is the big one for me, of course.  I was 196.8 on Day 1 and I'm 189.0 today.  So, I have lost 7.8 pounds.  That is pretty good and I should probably be ecstatic.  I feel good about it, but of course I wish it had been more.  When it comes to my measurements my waist was 42" when I started and 41.5" when I measured yesterday.  Not exactly a huge change, unfortunately.  I think I've lost more in my arms, legs and upper abdomen than I did around my belly button.  Too bad I didn't measure any of that.
  
• Exercise - I've definitely made improvements here the past couple weeks.  I'm up to 4 days a week.  I'm not doing long workouts (they are 20 minutes), but I think short, consistent workouts are much better than nothing.  My step count is slightly down, but that's because the snow has made walking to the train way too slippery and annoying.  I cannot wait for spring just so I can walk easily again.
  
• Digestion - Just okay here.  Some days are good, some are not so great.  I'm not dealing with the straining I was before I started Whole 30, so that is good.
  
• Emotionally - I think I'm better than I was when I started.  I've been having some mood swings, but that could be related to pregnancy.  Or maybe I'm just not very nice.  Who knows.  I'm trying to stay positive in general, so that's good.
  
• Sleep - My sleep was better a couple weeks ago, I even slept all the way through the night a few times.  I'm still tired earlier than I should be.  Starting a few days ago I've been waking up at 3:00 am for no apparent reason.  I can fall asleep in about 10 minutes, but it's still annoying.  Hopefully that stops soon.

Overall, the Whole 30 has been a good experience.  I managed to win my diet bet, for one thing.  I feel less compelled to eat sugar at random times, although chocolate sounds good right now!  I am nervous about gaining weight rapidly, so I really need to stay in check.  It is going to be tough...

Today I'm also 5 weeks pregnant.  Also weird.  I'm starting to feel "normal" again, if I can say such a thing.  The past couple weeks I've had so much breast pain, which I knew could happen, but it was more bothersome than I thought it would be.  I'm still tender today, but not like I was last week.  I guess I'm settling in to this pregnancy thing somewhat.  It still seems surreal to me though.  Maybe it will hit home after a few doctors visits, I don't know.

Speaking of doctors, I've decided to use a midwife.  I'm using the midwives that work at Elmhurst Memorial Hospital since that is the closest hospital to my house.  Rob and I met one of them, Michelle, over the weekend and she was very nice.  I think it will be good.  I want to avoid as much intervention as I can.  After learning as much as I have about nutrition over the past few years and seeing how wrong our government recommendations and my doctors have been I really don't trust conventional medicine anymore.  I like that it is there in a case of emergency, but for most things I want to avoid unnecessary intervention.

So, that's what is happening with me today.  I hope the pregnancy weight-gain gods are kind to me in the next 8 months.