I have a lot on my mind, I guess. I'm holding at 193 the past 2 days and my waist may be 1/2" smaller (so back to 42"). That's good, I suppose, even though 193 isn't exactly anything to go nuts about. What is really is on my mind is that I might be pregnant. There. I said it.
I'm obviously not normal about this stuff. I'm 32 years old, well off financially, basically at a point where I'm bored with my life as it is and my husband and I made a very deliberate decision to try. I had a Paragard IUD for 8 years that I got removed on August 25th. My husband and I both come from fertile families, so I knew it wouldn't take much to become pregnant, and I think I may have been right. I'm only 3 days late (really closer to 5 because I usually start spotting before; I haven't been late like this, umm, ever?). Honestly, I don't even want to take a test because I'm afraid of what it will say. I'm going to a wedding tomorrow with my sisters; they will notice if I don't drink anything and how will I explain it?
So, here's where me being totally weird comes in. No one close to me besides my husband knows we were even considering having a baby. Not my mom, not my sisters, not my closest friends. I haven't told anyone we were thinking about it because it's so outside of how I see myself, I guess. I'm afraid of how it will change my relationships with everyone. I know my parents and in-laws will be happy, but I'm not so sure about my friends.
Here's the other way I know I'm weird. I just can't picture myself pregnant. I can't picture having a baby at all, really. I want to do it whenever I'm around my nephew and small cousin, but I don't know, all of my friends are single and nowhere near ready for kids. I don't think most of them will ever have children. From that perspective I can't imagine being around them with a kid. It's going to be such a change...
I downloaded some app for my phone and I was reading a message board. Every other post is a woman freaking out that she's losing her baby, having a miscarriage, etc. I was looking at a board of women due in June 2015, so these women cannot be more than 5 weeks pregnant. Meanwhile, I have no idea how to feel about being pregnant either way. I'm afraid to take a test because then it's real. I made a very conscious decision to try and get pregnant though. If it didn't happen right now, I don't think I'd be super upset because, at this point, I don't even know. I certainly don't feel anything physically. How can these women be so upset about something that, at most, they have known about for a couple weeks? Aren't the first few weeks always tenuous? Of course this is all making me sound like an insensitive bitch. I know most 32 year olds don't get pregnant by having sex two times, the way I may have. Even so, it's such a life altering thing, how can anyone be so sure that they want it?
Anyway, this is all to say that my mind isn't 100% focused on my weight currently. I still want to lose weight. The thing about pregnancy that really terrifies me is that I will probably gain weight. I don't think I can mentally handle it if I'm over 200 pounds. I will freak out and probably be in a very dark place emotionally if that happens. Hopefully I can lose some weight early or something... I don't know.
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