If you read my post from Friday you know that I was sort of freaking out about possibly being pregnant. I'm no less confused about that today. I'm now 8 days late. I've taken two tests and both were negative though, so I basically have no idea what is going on. I posted on a couple forums, but no real answers. Apparently it's at least not unheard of to be really late after having paragard removed. So, maybe that is really all there is to it. I would really just like an answer though.
On the weight front, things are okay. I'm 192.0 today. I've been tracking consistently with my fitness pal and I'm staying under my calorie limits. It's actually not very tough to stay under the limit, which just tells me that I was not over-eating all along. It also doesn't explain why my weight is stuck in this annoying range of 190+. I need to get under 170, seriously.
As far as working out is concerned, I'm not feeling it lately. I still maintain my 10,000 steps a day and I decided to work toward climbing the stairs in my office. I'm on the 21st floor. Currently I'm climbing to the 8th floor (which is like going 10 floors because the first two floors are more than 20 feet high). I'm hoping to add at least 1 floor a week to that. I know I could climb all 21 floors right now but I don't because I can't come into work as a big sweaty mess. So, I'll have to increase gradually, I guess.
So that's where I am today. Check out my links page if you want to see my food diary.
Tuesday, September 30, 2014
Friday, September 26, 2014
Friday Thoughts
I'm so happy it is Friday, as I am every single week. This Friday is particularly nice because my boss is not in the office today, so I just feel more free to come and go. There's not a ton of work to do right now and, frankly, I cannot focus anyway.
I have a lot on my mind, I guess. I'm holding at 193 the past 2 days and my waist may be 1/2" smaller (so back to 42"). That's good, I suppose, even though 193 isn't exactly anything to go nuts about. What is really is on my mind is that I might be pregnant. There. I said it.
I'm obviously not normal about this stuff. I'm 32 years old, well off financially, basically at a point where I'm bored with my life as it is and my husband and I made a very deliberate decision to try. I had a Paragard IUD for 8 years that I got removed on August 25th. My husband and I both come from fertile families, so I knew it wouldn't take much to become pregnant, and I think I may have been right. I'm only 3 days late (really closer to 5 because I usually start spotting before; I haven't been late like this, umm, ever?). Honestly, I don't even want to take a test because I'm afraid of what it will say. I'm going to a wedding tomorrow with my sisters; they will notice if I don't drink anything and how will I explain it?
So, here's where me being totally weird comes in. No one close to me besides my husband knows we were even considering having a baby. Not my mom, not my sisters, not my closest friends. I haven't told anyone we were thinking about it because it's so outside of how I see myself, I guess. I'm afraid of how it will change my relationships with everyone. I know my parents and in-laws will be happy, but I'm not so sure about my friends.
Here's the other way I know I'm weird. I just can't picture myself pregnant. I can't picture having a baby at all, really. I want to do it whenever I'm around my nephew and small cousin, but I don't know, all of my friends are single and nowhere near ready for kids. I don't think most of them will ever have children. From that perspective I can't imagine being around them with a kid. It's going to be such a change...
I downloaded some app for my phone and I was reading a message board. Every other post is a woman freaking out that she's losing her baby, having a miscarriage, etc. I was looking at a board of women due in June 2015, so these women cannot be more than 5 weeks pregnant. Meanwhile, I have no idea how to feel about being pregnant either way. I'm afraid to take a test because then it's real. I made a very conscious decision to try and get pregnant though. If it didn't happen right now, I don't think I'd be super upset because, at this point, I don't even know. I certainly don't feel anything physically. How can these women be so upset about something that, at most, they have known about for a couple weeks? Aren't the first few weeks always tenuous? Of course this is all making me sound like an insensitive bitch. I know most 32 year olds don't get pregnant by having sex two times, the way I may have. Even so, it's such a life altering thing, how can anyone be so sure that they want it?
Anyway, this is all to say that my mind isn't 100% focused on my weight currently. I still want to lose weight. The thing about pregnancy that really terrifies me is that I will probably gain weight. I don't think I can mentally handle it if I'm over 200 pounds. I will freak out and probably be in a very dark place emotionally if that happens. Hopefully I can lose some weight early or something... I don't know.
Wednesday, September 24, 2014
Hump Day
So, another boring day in the office. I have been reading Wheat Belly Total Health and last night after reading about the "miraculous" health benefits that come along with a grain free lifestyle I was feeling pretty optimistic. But, then today I stepped on the scale and measured my waist. I'm down 1.2 pounds from yesterday, so I should be happy about that, but my waist is 1/2" larger! WTF? I'm so frickin' sick of this!!
Here's the thing, I'm an intelligent, creative and fun person when I'm feeling good. Yet I spend about 90% of my waking hours thinking about my weight. That should be a startling figure but it's such a part of my life that it seems normal. A typical day goes something like this:
6:00 am - The alarm goes off. I wish I could stay in bed all day and immediately start worrying about what I'll wear to work that day. I run through my week in my head to figure out if there is a day coming up where I should look better than other days so I can wear my most flattering outfit that day. I decide that today is a no big deal day and settling on wearing gray pants and my blue sweater and scarf. I despise the way I look in the pants, but since I don't have any meetings at least not that many people will see me.
7:10 am - About to get in the shower, so it's time to weigh myself. I'm down 1.2 pounds, yay. Now to measure... up 1/2" inch. WTF?!?! Spend the next 15 minutes in the shower feeling shitty and avoiding looking in the mirrors across the bathroom.
7:40 am - Time to leave. I spent the last 15 minutes going back and forth in my head as to weather I should wear my jacket. It's really much too warm to wear it, but I feel like at least my top half looks better with it on. Ultimately I decide to go without it, but I regret that on the entire walk to the train. On my walk I worry about what I'll wear to the wedding I'm going to this weekend and how I wish I could avoid being in any of the photos. I recall the pictures from my cousin's wedding in April. I'm pretty sure I was 5 pounds lighter then and the photos were hideous. I honestly cannot even look at them. Thinking about it again now makes me want to cry...
8:00 - 10:00 am - On the train I read Wheat Belly Total Health and trying to psych myself up to really go grain free. After that I walk to work, adjusting my clothes many times on the way. Once in the elevator I adjust things again before walking into the office. Finally, at my desk I eat my breakfast of Chobani, banana and honey. I don't really like it and I'm still hungry after, but I know I shouldn't eat anything else because I'm trying to lose weight. Since I've been at work I've already read 2 weight loss blogs and used a calorie calculator to try and figure out how much I'm likely to burn in a day.
That brings me to the present time. I've spent less than 15 minutes so far today thinking about anything other than my weight. It's actually amazing I can even hold a job given that I'm focused on something totally unrelated to it most of the time.
So, there you have it. The weight-focused inner monologue of an obese 32 year old. When I think about it it shocks me that anyone could think overweight people are somehow unaware of their size. There MIGHT be 2 overweight men somewhere in the world that aren't aware. The rest of us are painfully aware that we're taking up too much space and don't fit with our world's ideals. I really can't even think about much of anything else. I wonder what thin people think about... of course, if they were ever overweight, then they are probably still worried about their weight most of the time.
Anyway, rather than write out my menu for today I'm going to try and find an app or something to track my food in, maybe. I honestly despise tracking my food but I probably should just do it. It isn't as though I'm thinking about anything else anyway.
Here's the thing, I'm an intelligent, creative and fun person when I'm feeling good. Yet I spend about 90% of my waking hours thinking about my weight. That should be a startling figure but it's such a part of my life that it seems normal. A typical day goes something like this:
6:00 am - The alarm goes off. I wish I could stay in bed all day and immediately start worrying about what I'll wear to work that day. I run through my week in my head to figure out if there is a day coming up where I should look better than other days so I can wear my most flattering outfit that day. I decide that today is a no big deal day and settling on wearing gray pants and my blue sweater and scarf. I despise the way I look in the pants, but since I don't have any meetings at least not that many people will see me.
7:10 am - About to get in the shower, so it's time to weigh myself. I'm down 1.2 pounds, yay. Now to measure... up 1/2" inch. WTF?!?! Spend the next 15 minutes in the shower feeling shitty and avoiding looking in the mirrors across the bathroom.
7:40 am - Time to leave. I spent the last 15 minutes going back and forth in my head as to weather I should wear my jacket. It's really much too warm to wear it, but I feel like at least my top half looks better with it on. Ultimately I decide to go without it, but I regret that on the entire walk to the train. On my walk I worry about what I'll wear to the wedding I'm going to this weekend and how I wish I could avoid being in any of the photos. I recall the pictures from my cousin's wedding in April. I'm pretty sure I was 5 pounds lighter then and the photos were hideous. I honestly cannot even look at them. Thinking about it again now makes me want to cry...
8:00 - 10:00 am - On the train I read Wheat Belly Total Health and trying to psych myself up to really go grain free. After that I walk to work, adjusting my clothes many times on the way. Once in the elevator I adjust things again before walking into the office. Finally, at my desk I eat my breakfast of Chobani, banana and honey. I don't really like it and I'm still hungry after, but I know I shouldn't eat anything else because I'm trying to lose weight. Since I've been at work I've already read 2 weight loss blogs and used a calorie calculator to try and figure out how much I'm likely to burn in a day.
That brings me to the present time. I've spent less than 15 minutes so far today thinking about anything other than my weight. It's actually amazing I can even hold a job given that I'm focused on something totally unrelated to it most of the time.
So, there you have it. The weight-focused inner monologue of an obese 32 year old. When I think about it it shocks me that anyone could think overweight people are somehow unaware of their size. There MIGHT be 2 overweight men somewhere in the world that aren't aware. The rest of us are painfully aware that we're taking up too much space and don't fit with our world's ideals. I really can't even think about much of anything else. I wonder what thin people think about... of course, if they were ever overweight, then they are probably still worried about their weight most of the time.
Anyway, rather than write out my menu for today I'm going to try and find an app or something to track my food in, maybe. I honestly despise tracking my food but I probably should just do it. It isn't as though I'm thinking about anything else anyway.
Tuesday, September 23, 2014
What's For Dinner - 09/23/2014
Since I'm not sure where I'm headed right now with my diet, I am going to make one of my old favorites for dinner tonight, Cuban Pork Burgers, from PaleOMG. I love this recipe because it's really easy and it makes 4 burgers so Rob and I will both have something to bring for lunch tomorrow.
When I hit up the grocery store, I think I will also buy some fruit, most likely apples. I'm going to try and have an apple for dessert instead of the frozen yogurt which has become all too common in my diet lately. I am in love with frozen yogurt for some reason... It's weird because prior to about 2 months ago I never had it. I hate to think it's what is responsible for my weight gain, but I am sure it hasn't helped. The only silver lining to my frozen yogurt habit is that I have to walk to get it, so at least my husband and I usually get in about a mile of walking.
Thinking ahead, I think we'll have these kebabs for dinner on Wednesday with grilled vegetables. That will also be lunch on Thursday. Dinner for Thursday and Friday are still up in the air right now because I really can't think that far ahead.
When I hit up the grocery store, I think I will also buy some fruit, most likely apples. I'm going to try and have an apple for dessert instead of the frozen yogurt which has become all too common in my diet lately. I am in love with frozen yogurt for some reason... It's weird because prior to about 2 months ago I never had it. I hate to think it's what is responsible for my weight gain, but I am sure it hasn't helped. The only silver lining to my frozen yogurt habit is that I have to walk to get it, so at least my husband and I usually get in about a mile of walking.
Thinking ahead, I think we'll have these kebabs for dinner on Wednesday with grilled vegetables. That will also be lunch on Thursday. Dinner for Thursday and Friday are still up in the air right now because I really can't think that far ahead.
Starting Off
I'm honestly not even sure where to begin right now. There are so many things I want to say about my weight loss journey and I'm not exactly sure how I will focus this blog. I guess I should start off with my current stats and we can go from there:
Age - 32
Height - 5'6"
Weight - 195.4
Waist - 42" (at belly button/largest part)
I'm also currently very tired and not sure where to go from here. I've done all the typical diets and have been following a primal/paleo diet for almost 3 years with no results whatsoever. It is very discouraging. I have hypothyroid symptoms and about a month ago was prescribed a very low dose of Nature Throid (32.5 mg/day). So far the thyroid medicine has done nothing that I can tell. I have no trouble sleeping and my biggest problem in that department is that I just sleep too damn much. I usually fall asleep around 9:00 pm and get up around 6:30. That's a lot of sleep.
As for exercise, well, I hate it! I have never enjoyed exercise, despite many years of telling myself I feel better after a workout. The reality is, after a workout I feel exactly how I feel before; tired, depressed and fat. What's the point? I force myself to exercise anyway pretty often, but it's never something I look forward to. My main activity is walking; I walk about 10,000 steps a day just as part of my daily life. So, at least that is something.
When it comes to food, I'm lost lately. I recently did a "potato hack" where I ate nothing but baked or boiled potatoes for 5 days. I did it to lose weight. I lost 5 pounds in those 5 days, but I've gained all of them back in the 4 days since I stopped, so it obviously wasn't even a short term success. I felt terrible the entire time I did that, as well. So, in order to hopefully find some direction, I am currently reading Wheatbelly Total Health and then I'm going to read The Perfect Health Diet which was recommended to me by my forum friends at Mark's Daily Apple. I'm more excited about The Perfect Health Diet, but Wheatbelly is a pretty quick read for me so I'll probably be starting it in a few days.
So, here's what I've eaten today:
9:00 - Chobani 0% Plain Yogurt, Medium Banana, 1 tbsp Honey (guesstimate)
10:15 - Coffee with Half & Half and Stevia, String Cheese
12:45 - Taco Salad: Lettuce, Tomato, Onion, Cheese, Ground Bison, Pinto Beans, Sour Cream (the whole salad is around 3 cups)
5:15 - Apple with Peanut Butter
7:00 - Cuban Pork Burgers
8:00 - Caramels (4, I made them using a recipe without any corn syrup, but they did have honey and sugar)
Cups of Water - 6.5
Supplements - Metagenics FolaPro, B12, Milk Thistle, InterFase Plus Enzymes
The FolaPro, B12 and Milk Thistle were recommended by my doctor, but I'll get into that in another post.
I know I have some disordered thinking about food and I'm working on it. Just as an example. I found out today that we're getting a refund on a TV we purchased because the manufacturer refused to stand by the warranty. It's awesome because the TV was quite expensive. My first thought was to celebrate with champagne or dinner out. Not good. My first thought SHOULD be that we'll be able to put more money in our retirement account or something, not food.
In any event, I'll hopefully remember to update the rest of my food log for the day. I plan to record my weight on a separate page/log every Wednesday. I know if I'm ever going to keep the weight off I'll have to lose it responsibly and probably slowly. Damn, I hate that. I'm not a patient person.
Age - 32
Height - 5'6"
Weight - 195.4
Waist - 42" (at belly button/largest part)
I'm also currently very tired and not sure where to go from here. I've done all the typical diets and have been following a primal/paleo diet for almost 3 years with no results whatsoever. It is very discouraging. I have hypothyroid symptoms and about a month ago was prescribed a very low dose of Nature Throid (32.5 mg/day). So far the thyroid medicine has done nothing that I can tell. I have no trouble sleeping and my biggest problem in that department is that I just sleep too damn much. I usually fall asleep around 9:00 pm and get up around 6:30. That's a lot of sleep.
As for exercise, well, I hate it! I have never enjoyed exercise, despite many years of telling myself I feel better after a workout. The reality is, after a workout I feel exactly how I feel before; tired, depressed and fat. What's the point? I force myself to exercise anyway pretty often, but it's never something I look forward to. My main activity is walking; I walk about 10,000 steps a day just as part of my daily life. So, at least that is something.
When it comes to food, I'm lost lately. I recently did a "potato hack" where I ate nothing but baked or boiled potatoes for 5 days. I did it to lose weight. I lost 5 pounds in those 5 days, but I've gained all of them back in the 4 days since I stopped, so it obviously wasn't even a short term success. I felt terrible the entire time I did that, as well. So, in order to hopefully find some direction, I am currently reading Wheatbelly Total Health and then I'm going to read The Perfect Health Diet which was recommended to me by my forum friends at Mark's Daily Apple. I'm more excited about The Perfect Health Diet, but Wheatbelly is a pretty quick read for me so I'll probably be starting it in a few days.
So, here's what I've eaten today:
9:00 - Chobani 0% Plain Yogurt, Medium Banana, 1 tbsp Honey (guesstimate)
10:15 - Coffee with Half & Half and Stevia, String Cheese
12:45 - Taco Salad: Lettuce, Tomato, Onion, Cheese, Ground Bison, Pinto Beans, Sour Cream (the whole salad is around 3 cups)
5:15 - Apple with Peanut Butter
7:00 - Cuban Pork Burgers
8:00 - Caramels (4, I made them using a recipe without any corn syrup, but they did have honey and sugar)
Cups of Water - 6.5
Supplements - Metagenics FolaPro, B12, Milk Thistle, InterFase Plus Enzymes
The FolaPro, B12 and Milk Thistle were recommended by my doctor, but I'll get into that in another post.
I know I have some disordered thinking about food and I'm working on it. Just as an example. I found out today that we're getting a refund on a TV we purchased because the manufacturer refused to stand by the warranty. It's awesome because the TV was quite expensive. My first thought was to celebrate with champagne or dinner out. Not good. My first thought SHOULD be that we'll be able to put more money in our retirement account or something, not food.
In any event, I'll hopefully remember to update the rest of my food log for the day. I plan to record my weight on a separate page/log every Wednesday. I know if I'm ever going to keep the weight off I'll have to lose it responsibly and probably slowly. Damn, I hate that. I'm not a patient person.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)