Guest Bedroom #2 is Done!

Finally, the guest bedroom is about done!  I would still like to add some small touches; in particular I want to do something in the corner with the chair; either a different table or a different lamp or something.  But, things are good enough for now.

If you've been reading here then you know that getting the furniture has been quite a saga.  We got the boards and bolts cut so they fit so we were finally able to assemble the bed.  I also got the prints I ordered and hung everything up over the past two days.

So, without further ado:

Before 1

After 1

Before 2

After 2

Before 3

After 3

I think it's a huge improvement over a room full of random chairs, which is what it was a month ago.  It's probably the nicest bedroom in our house now, which makes me think I need to get our master bedroom up to par soon.

Won My Diet Bet!

I can't believe it, but I actually won my diet bet after all!  I weighed myself this morning and I was at 191.8.  I needed to be 192.4 with clothes for the bet.  So, I was able to put on the lightest clothes I have and made it!  :)  That's exciting, at least it qualifies as exciting in my world.  The really crazy thing is that I had just accepted that I was going to lose the bet and wasn't even trying yesterday.  I didn't run the stairs, I had Chipotle for lunch and I even ate more than 1 serving of Chunky Monkey ice cream.  Unbelievable!

What, is less exciting and downright frustrating is that I still haven't been able to assemble the bed we got from Penny Mustard.  We got the bolts yesterday evening.  So, we got started assembling.  What sucks is, the bolts are too long to cover the holes on the foot board:

As you can see, the bolts are about 1/8" too long (these were the shortest bolts in the package).  The problem with that is that they slide back and forth.  Plus, it looks like sh*t, too, and I didn't pay over $1000 for a bed that would look like crap.

But, wait, there's more!  When we went to put the slats that support the mattress in we couldn't do it because they are also too long!

So, I'm at the end of my rope with this purchase.  If they don't give me at least a partial refund in the next couple days I am going to contest the entire charge with my credit card.  The number of screw ups on this really has been unreal.  Very annoying.  I guess the moral to the story is, don't buy a convertible crib from Penny Mustard and expect to actually be able to use it as a full size bed.  It won't happen without you first wanting to rip all of your hair out.

Wednesday Weigh-In

Another week has passed.  My diet bet ended yesterday and I have until tomorrow at midnight to submit my weight.  It probably won't matter though, because I have not lost enough meet my goal if I have to wear clothes on the scale.  I'm at 193.0 today and the goal was 192.4.  There's a chance I can hit that if I'm undressed, but clothed, no way.  Sad.

I haven't been trying very hard this past week.  The chaos of having those two rooms a mess is getting to me.  It really is driving me crazy.  It's been a bit of a nightmare, too.  Last week, I got a call from Penny Mustard that the rails for my bed were in and would be delivered on Friday.  I was really excited and I went out and bought the mattress on Thursday.  On Friday, they come with the rails, but they didn't have the right bolts for the bed, so they couldn't be installed.

As soon as they realize the bolts were wrong they called the office and arranged for someone to come on Saturday with the right bolts.  This is less than ideal because it means Rob and I have to assemble the bed ourselves, and when you spend over $1000 on a damn bed, the delivery guys should set it up.  But, I just wanted it done, especially because there was a full size mattress set taking up a ton of room in my foyer.  So, we agree for the non-delivery guy to come Saturday with the bolts.

On Saturday, the guy shows up, hands us a bag of bolts and leaves.  I convince Rob that we need to drop everything and assemble the bed.  He reluctantly agreed.  We go up there, start working on it, only to realize they gave us the bolts for the wrong bed!  So, we still don't have the damn things and still can't set the bed up!  I was so mad.  We called the guy right away (less than 5 minutes after he left) and he doesn't answer.  I emailed the woman who we worked with at the store right away too.  Hours later, we get a call from some guy, Travis, who says he is going to have to mail us the bolts because they sent the wrong ones (no sh*t, Sherlock).

Travis says he will overnight the set to us on Monday so we would have it Tuesday.  But, what annoyed me is, they've asked me to drive to one of their show rooms to drop off the incorrect set that they gave us.  I mean, seriously?  They need them back that badly?  I have already been inconvenienced by this place 3 times with nothing more than an "I'm sorry." Well, sorry doesn't compensate me for taking 2 days off of work.  It also won't magically assemble that bed.

Of course, Tuesday has come and gone and I have no bolts for my bed.  I'm pretty ticked, if you can't tell.  I like the quality of the furniture at Penny Mustard, but they sure have done everything they can to screw up delivering and assembling the furniture for us.  If Walter E. Smithe had made even one of these mistakes they would have compensated us with a gift card (I know, because it's happened).  This is now four issues we've had and nothing.  All they can tell me is that they need to hire a new scheduler.  You would think that after the first 2 screw ups they would have made extra sure to send the right bolts with the guy that came by on Saturday.  Instead, Travis admitted that he didn't even look at our order when he was getting the hardware to send over.  Genius.

So, given all of that, I probably won't be buying any more furniture from Penny Mustard.  It's too bad.  I want to support American companies and American made products, but I cannot spend $5000 on a bedroom set and deal with this many issues in getting it set up.  It's just not worth the hassle.  I think I'm going to post all of this on Yelp, actually.

Anyway, that's my life right now.  Two bedrooms with furniture parts scattered all over the place.  I'm too tired to do much of anything still and lacking motivation in general.  I am going to, hopefully, work from home tomorrow so I can get bedroom #1 painted.  I just need it done so I can reclaim the first floor of the house and the garage.  It is too cold to be parking our cars outside when we have a heated garage.

Hopefully I can get my a-game back soon.  I don't like being this lame and tired.

Going in the Wrong Direction

I'm not doing very well on the weight loss front at all lately.  In fact, I'm going in the totally wrong direction!  Not good.  At least my waist measurement is down from last week.  I actually measured my waist on Tuesday night and it was 43"!  Somehow though, that was gone by the next morning.  On my Weigh-In page, the weight is from today, but the waist is from yesterday because, for whatever reason, I forgot to weigh myself yesterday and forgot to check my waist measurement today.  Oh well.

Anyway, I wish I could say I've been doing everything right, but that would be a lie.  Lately, I've been doing just about everything wrong on the weight front.  I've been so excited and preoccupied with decorating that everything else has fallen by the wayside.  I think there is a light at the end of the project tunnel; at least as much as there ever is with me.  For bedroom #1, the furniture is about 60% painted and I'm getting more done on bedroom #2 every day.

Rob hasn't done any painting for bedroom #1 yet this week because we've had things going on every night, but he's going to do it tonight, I hope.  After that we'll probably need 2 more coats on the pieces, but he is working on the last set of pieces now.

Also, for bedroom #1 I found a rug that I think I like and will work.  The rug is black and white and sort of a shag.  It's fun looking, I think, and will work in a kids room but can also work in a regular guest room.  I was thinking about getting a red rug, but then I'm tied to the red theme and I'm not sure I want to commit to that.  The shag rug feels nice on your feet, too, so that is a plus.

I also got the paint I'm going to use on the walls (which are currently pale blue).  The paint is from Menard's and the color is called Summer Suede.  Part of me wanted to use gray, since it is so in right now, but we already have the gray and purple room (bedroom #2) and the walls in our master bedroom were gray when we bought the house and we haven't changed them.  So, I figure I should go with a different neutral.  I had intended to paint on Tuesday when I was off for Veteran's Day, but I was so darn tired I didn't do anything after my shopping trip but cross stitch on the couch.  I'm going to (hopefully) start taping the room tonight so I can paint tomorrow night and/or Saturday.

The other big thing I crossed off my checklist, somewhat, is that I found a mattress set for bedroom #2.  I got a really nice pillow-top set from HOBO.  If you live near a HOBO, I suggest checking it out when you are doing a home improvement project.  They have great prices and most of the items are high quality.  Of course, I still have to figure out how I'm going to get that mattress set home.  I bought it, but I couldn't transport it myself last night because I was alone.  I thought I might be able to fit each piece into our car separately, but I knew there was no way I could get the mattress back out and into the house alone.  So, Rob and I can hopefully do that tonight.

I'm pretty excited because we are getting the rails for the bed in bedroom #2 tomorrow.  I really want to set the bed up and see how the purple bedding I have looks on it.  I also made curtains for that room over the weekend and they look pretty good, I think.

I wish the purple accents in the fabric were a little darker, but it's good enough.  When sewing the curtains I used drapery weights this time.  I've never used them before but I think they will help them keep their shape, which is a bonus.

Other than the curtains, the paint for the walls, the paint on the furniture and the rug, I started making a decorative painting for bedroom #1.  I'm basically going to make a poppy dot painting like the one I made and sold with our last house.  The painting was easy, but it took a really long time to do.  So far, all I've done is paint the canvas black, but it's a start.  Just another item on my to-do list for the weekend, I guess.

Back to the topic of health/weight loss... I finally went and got my blood drawn yesterday to follow up on my thyroid medicine.  I know I'm very tired lately and I'm hoping that my doctor will increase the dosage or give me something else to try.  I hate feeling like this and it really makes me nostalgic for phentermine because that stuff gives you so much energy.  I also know it is very easy to get; just an appointment at the weight loss clinic away... I hated using it because it makes it very hard to sleep and I firmly believe that good quality sleep is key to good health.  But, I also am really tired of being so tired and not being able to lose weight.

The thing is, I haven't been cooking at home as much as I should be and I have been eating odd, hack meals lately (like last night's 4 leftover meatballs, half a brat and leftover mashed potatoes).  But, I haven't been eating a lot and I have been moving a decent amount for someone so tired.  I've continued to take the stairs each day I am at work and I'm going up to the 14th floor now.  I shouldn't be gaining weight, at the very least.  I'm nervous that I am going to lose my diet bet.  Actually, that seems all but inevitable since I need to lose about 4 pounds in order to still be able to wear clothes and hit my weight goal.  But, I have lost 5 pounds in 5 days before by doing things like the potato hack.  So, if I am desperate I will do that Monday through Wednesday.

Anyway, I guess that's about everything for this week.  I need to start posting more frequently so my posts don't get so long.  I guess you can probably tell that when it comes to decorating, I have a lot of thoughts and I'm pretty passionate about it.  What can I say... a well-appointed room is this girl's best friend.  :)

Temptation is Everywhere

Well, the title pretty much sums up the last week of my life.  We went to my friend's cabin over the weekend.  I tried so hard to plan a menu that wouldn't cause me to go totally off the rails and I thought I was successful, but I guess not.  I was 197.0 on Monday and down to 195.2 by Wednesday and holding there now.  I'm sad about that.

When we were planning our trip to the cabin, I planned as much of the food as I could:

Friday night - Brats, Baked Potatoes, Creamed Spinach
Saturday & Sunday breakfasts - Frittata
Saturday dinner - Beef stew, Biscuits (from the Wheat Belly Cookbook), Brussel Sprouts
Snacks - Popcorn (non-GMO, better than chips fried in PUFA); Cucumber, Cream Cheese and Salmon "Sandwiches"

So, I really did have a plan.  The plan was even mostly executed.  We never made the popcorn (someone brought Cheetos, unfortunately) and we didn't need or make the brussel sprouts either.  We had the stew, frittata, and we made some fried green tomatoes.  The tomatoes were breaded in corn starch (not great) but we fried them in coconut oil.  We made a dipping sauce that was based on homemade mayo.  The unplanned items were the frozen custard, Reese's peanut butter cups, the fun size snickers bars and this stupid pumpkin cake.  So, I didn't totally avoid gluten and definitely wasn't avoiding sugar.  I just can't control myself around some stuff, I guess.

Anyway, my weight sucks.  I don't think I'll ever really get control over it.  I'm hungry right now as I type this.  I've been trying to fast until noon and then eat within an eight hour window as suggested in The Perfect Health Diet.  It has been really hard.  Every day this week I've broken down around 11:00 and had something.  Today it was orange juice at this silly "meet  and greet" thing we had at work which was full of extremely tempting baked goods that were simply covered in sugar.  They looked so good!  In that context, having orange juice isn't so bad.  It's not so good, either.

Lately my resolve is just so-so.  I hate my weight some times and other times I just don't care.  If I'm wearing something I feel good in, that makes a big difference, of course.  I want to lose weight, but I don't want it enough to exercise, that's for sure.  I did some sprints yesterday and it really just makes me more hungry all day.  I just don't have the motivation for exercise anymore.  I'll keep up with the stairs, only because it is something I can easily commit to and is an excuse to leave the office.  Beyond that, I'm tapped out.

Aside from my weight gain, I'm still working on the bedroom set for bedroom #1.  I haven't decided on a color scheme for the room yet though.  I've realized that we're using the same colors all over the house, and I don't want the whole place to be the same since it is certainly large enough to have different colors in different rooms.  I'm probably going to paint the walls beige though, since that way I can go with any colors I want.  Currently the walls are pale blue, which is fine, but isn't doing anything for me.  Hopefully in another week we will have the furniture back up there though.  Then I can figure out what to do as far as area rugs and all that are concerned.

Here are some pictures of the chaos in progress:

Half-painted furniture has taken over the garage!

Sorry this picture is shaky... it's my sweet spray painting station in our basement.

I guess that just about sums up my life in the past week.  Eating too much, drinking to much, and probably inhaling too much spray paint.  Hopefully I can get things under control soon.

Another Decorating Endeavor

Happy Hump Day!  I don't know about you, but I'm glad that this week is about half over.  Work has been dull, nothing out of the ordinary there.  What has been "exciting" is that Rob and I started refinishing the ugly 80's bedroom set we got from a friend.  We've had the set for about a year now.  It has a trundle bed, three dresser-like pieces, a desk, a nightstand, and these bookcase hutch type things for the desk and two of the dressers.  It sounds like a lot, and it is, but somehow it all fits into the smallest bedroom we have.  (Just to clarify, this is a different bedroom from the one I posted about previously that we recently painted and bought furniture for.)

Appreciate the ugliness...

A side view of an 80's treasure

We bought paint for the set a couple weeks ago and Rob said he would paint it whenever I got it sanded.  The weather on Sunday was really nice, so I said we should carry everything downstairs so I could get started.  Eight hours later we had moved everything from the bedroom to the garage, from the garage to the driveway, from the driveway to the yard and from the yard back into the garage.  It was a workout!  I managed to sand everything and Rob sprayed one coat of paint onto at least one side of each piece.  We still have about a million coats of paint to go and I don't expect to be done anytime soon, unfortunately.

To make the set less 80's looking, we decided to cut the bottoms of the dressers and nightstand to give it the appearance of having feet.  Originally, we were going to add legs/feet, but then the dressers would have been taller than the desk and we couldn't arrange them next to each other and they were designed to fit together.  So, we did this hack job of cutting them instead.  We also decided to fill in the paneling effect they have using a spackle-like product.  Here are some pictures:

A garage full of chaos

Cutting the "legs"

Sanded drawers and filled in dressers

I guess I didn't take any pictures of them half painted, but I can certainly do that tonight.  They are being painted white using an oil-based enamel.  Unfortunately, all we could find was glossy, but oh well.  Considering that this is a child's bedroom set and it may someday take a lot of abuse, we figured we should use something tough, even if the gloss finish wasn't our first choice.

The other unfortunate aspect of this set is the hardware and the way it is recessed into the drawers.  Since it is recessed like that, we can't just replace it with whatever we feel like.  So, I am painting the hardware.  I got a dark gray/black metallic spray paint and a glossy coating. This is the stuff I got.  I think the dark color will contrast with the white nicely.  Who knows, maybe I'll even like how it looks when everything is done... Once I paint it the black color I'll go over everything a second time with the glossy top coat.

I can't wait to be done with this project so I can put the room together.  I'm going to start painting the hardware tonight.  I spent Tuesday washing it thoroughly.  I was going to start painting it yesterday, but then I ended up being my sister's therapist for the night instead and didn't get anything done.

Now, as for the subject of weight loss, well, I'm just barely hanging in there.  Down to 193.6 today isn't exactly cause for celebration, but I can accept it.  After listening to my sister all night I feel like a few pounds isn't that big of a deal.  At least I can deal with my life.  My sister seems to have no ability to cope with anything.  She really wants to have kids and, honestly, I wonder if she could actually handle it.  She can't seem to handle even minor stress a lot of the time.  I worry for her, even though I'm pretty sure there is nothing I can do.

Anyway, that's what has been going on over here.  I just finished reading The Perfect Health Diet and I'm hoping I can put it into practice for tonight's dinner.  We'll see what I have time to figure out at work today.  I definitely need to visit their blog for some recipe ideas.

Weight & Decorating Update

Just another weigh-in Wednesday.  I'm down very slightly from last week to 194.0 (loss of 0.4 pounds), yet my waist measurement is up by 1/2 an inch.  I really don't get that.  Lately I seem to lose weight or lose inches, but not both at the same time.  I find it strange.  I'm hoping it means that I'm currently just suffering with bloat and will deflate soon.

Today is the first day of my Diet Bet.  They allow you to weigh in a couple days before the bet, so I weighed myself on Monday when my weight was really high for some reason.  I didn't eat the greatest stuff over the weekend (as usual), but I didn't eat a lot in terms of quantity.  At least I don't feel like I did.  Anyway, I did my weigh in right before bed on Monday.  You have to weigh in clothed, of course, so I actually weighed 200.4!  Yikes!  That is a way higher number than I ever want to see again.  The plus side to that is that if I get under 190.0 in the next 4 weeks I should win the bet.  I also got my husband to join the bet too.  Given where I'm starting from, I'll be thrilled if I can make it to 187.0 (unclothed) by the end of the bet.

I was thinking today that maybe I need to focus on losing weight slowly.  Maybe then I can lose the weight permanently.  I'm doubtful, but I may try it anyway.  In my head it would go something like this... get my weight down to 185 and then focus on maintenance only for a couple months.  Then try to lose down to 175 and maintain, 165, maintain, etc.  Of course, lately, I can't seem to even maintain my weight, so I don't know why I think this would work!

The only thing going on in my life right now is that I'm finally decorating our guest bedroom.  I painted it on Sunday:

Before - Beige and full of chairs

During - Still full of chairs and covered in tape; also the paint isn't totally dry in this picture

As you can see, I painted the room a medium gray color.  When I started the room was full of random chairs that we had no place for.  Now it has a dresser, nightstand, and the head and foot boards for the bed but no side rails (so the bed can't be put together and isn't useful).  Hopefully our side rails will come in soon and we'll be able to assemble the bed.  I'll definitely be posting some pictures once that happens.

I also found a rug I really wanted on Craig's List and we're planning on picking it up on Friday.  It's amazing because I was considering buying this exact rug, but was hesitant because it was so expensive in the size I want (8' X 10').  I did a Google search and someone happens to be selling it.  The downside is that the seller is in Madison, Wisconsin, which is 2 1/2 hours away.  My sister-in-law is a student at UW Madison though, so we're going to see her when we go up so the trip isn't completely ridiculous.

This is the rug:

I'm going with a gray and purple color scheme in the room.  I love purple.  We already have two purple chairs (pictured above) and a purple quilt that might go on the bed.  Really, it depends on the exact color of the rug once we get it.  It's hard to tell now if it's more of a blue-ish purple like our chairs, or if it will be more red-ish like the quilt.  Either way, I guess I have something I can use.  I still need art and curtains, at the very least.  I may end up painting something to put over the bed, but we'll see.

Anyway, that's my life lately.  Oh, and I'm up to climbing 12 floors a day at work.  Not a monumental achievement or anything, but it's something.

New Day, New Plan

As anyone reading this blog knows, I've been having a lot of ups and downs emotionally lately.  Mostly downs though.  I don't really know why I've been so down, but I know I don't like it and it's not "me."  I hate that I've been spending so much time on the couch after work!  I hate it so much, yet I just haven't been able to motivate myself for some reason.

So, just now, I decided to join a diet bet.  I had heard of Diet Bet before, but I never considered joining one mostly because I didn't think a few dollars could really motivate me.  If you don't know how it works, it is pretty interesting, I think.  What you do is bet some amount of money and then you have a fixed amount of time to lose a certain percentage of your weight.  For example, you bet $20 and then you have 4 weeks to lose 4% of your body weight.  If you hit your goal, you and everyone else in the bet that hit the goal split the pot.  If you don't hit your goal, you lose your money.  According to the site most people get between 1.5 and 2 times what they bet and they guarantee you will get at least your original bet back if you hit your goal (they waive their fees if many participants hit the goal).  

I joined Shaun T's diet bet.  I know nothing about Shaun T, but I've gathered that he's the guy behind the P90 Insanity program.  I joined his bet because it has a large pool, so I'm guessing there's a potential to win at least $20 (over the original bet amount of $30) and I his challenge is a 4 week, 4% challenge.  There are other bets out there that are longer, but I really don't think I can commit long term right now.  Particularly since I am still reading Taking Charge of Your Fertility and trying to get pregnant.  But, even if I were 4 weeks pregnant, I could lose 4% of my body weight.

Diet bet is interesting.  I'm not sure that a $30 bet will motivate me, but I do tend to be a little competitive, so maybe it will.  I like that it is a short time frame and a manageable amount of weight to lose.  The bet starts on October 22nd, which is a Wednesday.  That is nice because it means the final day is also a Wednesday and a day I would normally weigh-in.  Also, while I'll still try to lose weight in the next 6 days, if I were to stay at the same weight hitting the goal would put me right at 185, which gets me out of the obese category and is a personal goal number for me.  So, that's cool.  Hopefully the competition will motivate me.  I think it will.  I don't have much to lose since $30 isn't a huge amount to me. 

The other thing nagging at me lately has been exercise.  I have been doing sprints a couple times a week and I've taken the stairs at least once a day at work.  It's really not an impressive amount of exercise.  I want to do something more, but I just can't figure out what.  I'd like to include more weight lifting as I believe strength training is key to health, but I don't know, I am just bored with it.  I have all these weights in my gym, but using them seems very boring and like a lot of work.  I wish I had more Crossfit-style equipment as I would like to work up to doing a pull-up, but I don't have that stuff or the space for it.  Somehow curling my 25 pound dumbbells just doesn't appeal to me anymore.  I need some weight lifting inspiration, I guess.  I'm open to ideas on that front...

Anyway, I mentioned in another post that I ordered kefir grains.  I got them and started some kefir.  It's REALLY easy.  I just put the grains in a glass jar and poured about 2 cups of milk on top of them.  Then I placed the lid on the jar (didn't tighten it) and let it sit there on the counter.  About a day later I poured it through a strainer into another jar and then repeated the process with the grains I strained out.  The kefir I made though... I don't know, it doesn't taste that great.  It is not as sour or as thick as the store bought stuff I have tried and it tastes different.  A little woody, I would say.  I drank some anyway though and I'm not sick or anything, actually, my gut feels pretty good today.  So, I don't know if this is just how homemade kefir tastes, or if it's because I used sort of old milk.  I guess I'll find out tomorrow since I used brand new milk in the batch I started last night.  I think I need to give it a couple days, too, so it's a little thicker.  

In other news, I think I may be hooked on KIND Bars.  I've been buying them when I needed a snack lately and they are really tasty and seem to actually be pretty healthy (no weird ingredients I can't pronounce and more importantly, not a ton of sugar).  I just ordered some more of the dark chocolate, nuts and sea salt bars.  The price on Amazon is much better than what I have been paying at Walgreens to buy the bars individually, so that's nice.  I think I may also buy the dark chocolate chili almond ones.  I didn't realize they had chili in them when I bought them at Walgreens, but it turns out that the chili is awesome.  They are more money, but I can't stop thinking about them so it's probably worth it, right?  

I suppose I should get to work now; I really don't want to work when I'm in a good mood though, funny how that is...

It's a Lifestyle...

I'm annoyed right now.  I've been struggling with my weight for all of my life.  I've made a lot of changes to my lifestyle in order to lose weight.  I'm not 100% perfect with it, but I try every day.  Just some examples:

• I no longer eat wheat - I will have some rarely in small quantities (the breading on something fried, for example)
• I walk a lot and average around 10,000 steps a day
• I do sprint workouts once or twice a week
• I don't eat fast food
• I lift weights
• Generally speaking, I eat according to the Primal Blueprint
• I no longer drink wine on weeknights
• I never cook with vegetable oils and avoid them as much as possible when dining out
• I go out to eat less than 5 times a week (previously I went out to eat for 80% or more of my meals)

Doing these things hasn't caused me to lose any weight and as a result I'm constantly being accused of treating the changes I've made as a "diet" instead of a "lifestyle" even though I've been doing this crap for 3 years!  I would have gone back to my previous diet a long time ago if I was treating this as temporary.

Prior to reading about Paleo/Primal my diet was FULL of wheat/grains.  I never thought about where my food came from so things like grass fed beef were totally foreign to me.  I had no idea what PUFA was and thought vegetable oils were healthy.  I've made many permanent changes in the quest to lose weight.  The fact that these changes were enough for other people to lose weight and have done nothing for me is extremely frustrating.  Then, add to it that frustration that I am constantly being accused of not changing enough, not trying hard enough, not doing enough, etc.  I just want to scream.  I have done so much more than 95% of the overweight people in this country!  Read any weight loss blog and you'll see a person that still eats wheat and "healthy whole grains" a person that still goes out to eat, a person that can still share a meal with their friends because they aren't bombarded with dietary restrictions.  That person is not me though, because I'm still fat!

I am so sick and tired of being told my efforts aren't enough as though I don't already know that!  Lately, I feel like I've cut to the bone though and there's just nothing left.  I'm going to work on eliminating corn now, I guess.  That is going to be very difficult because corn is what allows me to eat somewhat normally around others (I can suggest Mexican food, basically).  I love popcorn and even though I rarely have it, I guess I'll cut out that one time a month that I have it.  I'll stop dining at Mexican restaurants so I no longer have tortillas or tortilla chips.

Anyway, I'm at 194.4 today.  That's another gain, of course.  Somehow my waist measurement has stayed the same, so I'm not going to freak out.  I'm just so exhausted.  I want to get to something I can sustain.  As of now, I care but I don't care because I'm too tired to care.

Weight Loss Tips

I don't know if there's anyone else out there like me, but I find myself drawn to headlines about losing weight.  Every time I see an article that claims to have weight loss tips I read it, especially if they claim the tips are new or things most people haven't tried.  Inevitably though, I am disappointed because I have, in fact, tried those things already and know that they are ineffective.

Lately the tip I seem to be seeing more frequently is to "eat breakfast because skipping meals will make you ravenous and you'll over eat later."  I find that to be particularly ridiculous, based on my personal experience.  I'm much more likely to become ravenous if I skip lunch than if I skip breakfast.  Whether I eat breakfast or not, my weight doesn't change anyway, so who cares?  I'm also beyond sick of seeing the phrase "healthy whole grains" everywhere.

Really though, when I click these stories and blogs, what I want to find is a success story that I can relate to.  I've never found one.  I want to see that someone who has been overweight their entire life has lost weight without recording every single thing they ate and without exercising an insane amount.  Oh, they have to have kept the weight off, too.  So far, I've never found that.  The only times I've lost weight I pretty much recorded everything I ate, I exercised an insane amount, and of course, I gained it back anyway.  I feel like there really is just no hope for me.  :(

In that vein, the past 4 days were another diet disaster.  I need to stay away from my family if I'm ever going to lose weight.  My mom turns events that could be fun and healthy into unhealthy binges, basically.  I was with my parents on Saturday and Sunday.  Dinner on Saturday?  Fast food!  Then on Sunday, I asked her to bring a side dish and she brought Chicken McNuggets again!  The problem is that I like the taste of these unhealthy foods, so I cannot resist them when they're placed right in front of me.  I eat them, then I regret it for a week and feel like crap.  I really feel depressed right now because I've gained back up to 195.6 (from 191.8 on Friday).  I'm depressed because this IS depressing!

I really need to find a way to truly take control.  I feel out of control.  I don't have the energy to exercise and the shortened days are already taking their toll on my mental state.  I feel like I haven't seen the sun in weeks, even though I was outside on Saturday and a little on Sunday.  My diet is out of control.  My life feels out of control.  I don't know if I want to get pregnant, lose weight, change jobs, or what.  I want to do all of those things, but they are all in conflict with one another and it's very frustrating.  You can't lose weight and be pregnant, for example.  It's a bad idea to start a new business where you'll have no time off if you plan to have a child, for another.  Really, pregnancy/having a child files in the face of two things I know I really want.  But, I can postpone starting a business.  I cannot postpone having a child much longer.  And, as for weight loss, I'm pretty sure it is never going to happen for me anyway and I can't keep putting my life on hold for that alone.

Anyway, here's my biggest weight loss tip:  If you have relatives that constantly sabotage your efforts, find a way to avoid them.  I'm going to have to stay away from my mom for the foreseeable future if I want to feel better physically.  Then, I'll have to find a way to let her in, but in settings that I can control.  If she brings foods I can't eat to the house, they cannot be put out.  Something like that.  I'm so sick of working hard all week only to have everything I've worked for thrown away in 2 days.  It is a very depressing cycle and I just can't take it anymore.

Thumping Thursday

Thumping is in reference to my head... I got a migraine in the middle of the night last night.  I've been getting a lot of migraines lately and I'm not sure why.  My diet hasn't changed dramatically and a couple months ago I started taking magnesium religiously again.  Migraines are the worst; I really wish I could figure out what is causing them so I could eliminate it once and for all.  I did have some red wine last night, so maybe that was it, but it was only one glass and I drank it slowly (it took me about 2 hours to drink).

I ended up ordering those kefir grains yesterday.  I hope I can make some good kefir from them and use that to help with my digestion.  My digestion has been off for a couple years now.  Previously it was something I basically never thought about.  Now, I think about it everyday.  That's how you know it is an issue, I guess, because if it wasn't I wouldn't be thinking about it.  I miss those days of effortless digestion...

I also got Taking Charge of Your Fertility from the library yesterday.  Oh my god, that book is enormous!  It's about 300 pages and looks very intense and complicated... and this is coming from someone that only reads non-fiction books.  I guess I was expecting a much smaller book with some basics about mesntrual cycles or something.  I didn't anticipate anything so detailed.  After looking at it I'm not sure if I care about my fertility enough to actually read it, but I will probably glance at it after I'm done with The Perfect Health Diet.  I tried to get my husband to read it and give me a book report, but I have a feeling that won't be happening.

I finished reading Wheat Belly Total Health last week.  My overall thoughts are that the book is good, but not great.  If you haven't read the original Wheat Belly then I'd skip the original and read Total Health instead.  If you've read Wheat Belly and paid attention to the blog or other paleo/primal blogs at all Total Health isn't going to include anything new.  I guess that's why I am a little disappointed; there was nothing in the book I hadn't heard before.  Plus, it was so heavy handed at being anti-carbohydrate that I just started getting annoyed.  I've tried very low carb (VLC) diets and I generally just become very tired and don't lose any weight.  Many people have told me that VLC combined with hypothyroid is bad news, yet Dr. Davis recommends VLC for people with hypothyroid symptoms.  He does recommend that anyone with hypothyroid get medicated, but good luck with that!  It took me over 10 years and 15 doctors to find ONE that would agree to give me thyroid medication.  Even then, I am on the smallest dose possible and don't feel any different at all.

So, yeah, that's my spiel on Wheat Belly Total Health.  I think it's a great intro book, but nothing special if you're already familiar with paleo/primal. I'm currently reading The Perfect Health Diet and also Rich Food, Poor Food, so eventually I'll be able to share my thoughts on those.  I am not a fast reader and I basically only read when I'm on the train going to and from work, so it takes me a while to finish a book.

Other than reading I am cross stitching lately.  I tend to go in cycles with my crafts... Right now, a lot of my husband's shows are on, so cross stitching is something I can do while he watches them so we can at least be in the same room for awhile.  He's been working on making a game table, which will also be our kitchen table, for a long time and we both really want it done by Christmas.  Honestly, I'd prefer it was done by Thanksgiving since we host Thanksgiving for both of our families and our current table is ugly.  :)  The result though is that he's always in the work shop in the evenings when he's not at Tae Kwon Do.  I used to be in my respective work shop making jewelry, but I'm just not feeling it much lately.  That pesky depression stuff, I guess.

Anyway, it's almost time for my weekend to start!  I love it when I have a Friday (or any day) off!!

Just Another Day

I'm a little disappointed in my weight today.  I'm up 0.6 pounds from where I was last week and my waist is up a little bit too.  It stinks.  I know it is because last weekend was a diet disaster and, really, my food this week hasn't been great either.  I'm just in such a funk that I don't know what to do.

We ended up ordering food last night.  It makes me a little frustrated with my husband because, unless I figure out exactly what to make for dinner, we end up ordering food.  He almost never contributes any ideas.  Lately, I'm just sort of down and I haven't been able to come up with any good ideas so our dinners have been bad.  We usually bring leftovers to work for lunch, so since dinners have been bad our lunches have been as well (because we end up going out).  I didn't have anything to bring for breakfast or lunch today so I ended up basically skipping breakfast and I guess I'll get Chipotle for lunch.  The sad thing is that I'm not really excited about it and normally, it would be a treat and I'd be pumped.  I guess this is just how it goes when you're prone to depression.

Aside from my bad food choices I'm frustrated in general right now.  My brother in law suggested we take a family trip to Door County this coming weekend.  It was planned several months ago and he rented a house large enough for everyone (8 adults and my nephew).  Then, last Friday my sister and brother in law said that they had taken too much time off of work and canceled the trip.  They didn't really give the rest of us much time to think about it and canceled the house reservation.  My parents and Rob and I were considering still going, but we can't find a house anywhere.

My mom mentioned the Henry Ford museum to my dad, who loves cars, so now they are going there.  I personally could not care less about that museum and have no desire to go to Detroit, so now Rob and I have nothing going on.  My other sister made other plans immediately (well, her boyfriend did so now she won't go anywhere).  I'm annoyed because I could use a vacation type break.  Hanging around he house is going to make me feel guilty because I don't want to change out our faucet or work on anything, yet if I'm not doing anything else I obviously should do those things.  Blah.  I keep looking for a last minute thing we could do, but I haven't found anything.

I feel like I should have known all along the trip wouldn't happen.  My brother in law has a habit of pointing out events or trips and then he and my sister don't go.  Just a couple months ago Rob and I got tickets to a wine festival at their suggestion and ended up going to it alone.  It was fun anyway, but still, why do they do this?  The reality of my life is that if I want to go anywhere or do anything I need to plan it (and I have to assume my one sister will not show up, even if she says she will).  If anyone else plans it the plans fall apart, it seems.  I wish just once someone else would take control, but I know that will never happen.  I'm tired of flaky people, yet they tend to gravitate toward me since I will make plans and they otherwise wouldn't.  It's very annoying.

In other news, I am thinking about buying some kefir grains and making my own kefir.  I like Lifeway kefir but it's quite expensive.  I don't know if anyone has any experience or tips for me, but if you do please share.  I'm going to assume that the ones I linked to come with some instructions, but if not I'm sure I can find some elsewhere.  I really need to find something easy to devote some energy to so I can try and get out of this funk.  Anything too challenging or daunting just isn't going to happen right now.  Even decorating seems like too many big decisions for me at the moment, and that NEVER happens.

Supplement Madness

I finally got myself to exercise this morning for the first time in probably 3 weeks.  I did sprints.  Nothing special, just 5 sprints of 30 seconds each at a high resistance on the elliptical (level 13).  It didn't take long, which is why I like sprints.  I can't say I really feel any different now than I have any other day though.  Maybe I am a little more awake.  Maybe.

My weight is still up from the weekend so I probably won't have any loss this week.  Actually, it's looking like I'll have gained since I'm at 194.2 right now and I was at 191.8 last week.  Boo.  I checked my measurements on Sunday and there hasn't been any change there, so I don't know where the 2 pounds went, but I guess they aren't just water weight or bloat this time.  That's sad.  :(

I was thinking yesterday, as I refilled my pill box, that I am taking a ridiculous number of supplements.  It's not that I can't sustain it (although I forget about them nearly 100% of the time when I'm not at work), but it just seems crazy that a person would need so many additional things every day.  Right now I'm taking:

• NatureThroid - Thyroid hormones, this is my only prescription and I take it first thing in the morning
• AdrenaStim Cream - This is for adrenal fatigue; I use it in the mornings
• ImmuZyme - I just have this from when I went to a naturopath a year ago and want to use it up; it's supposed to help with the immune system
• Kelp Tablets - For iodine; I've had these awhile and just want to use them up
• Milk Thistle - For liver support and I've read this is good to take while trying to conceive and to prevent morning sickness during pregnancy
• B-6 - I have these because a doctor told me taking B-6 could help prevent migraines, so I'm trying to use them up
• InterFase Plus - Enzymes to hopefully help with digestion
• FolaPro - Methylfolate, which I take because apparently I have a gene mutation which makes it difficult to make use of folic acid and folic acid is important while trying to conceive and during pregnancy; recommended by my current doctor
• Methylcobalamin B-12 - My current doctor told me I'm B-12 deficient and that this is the form I should take
• AdrenaCalm Cream - Also for adrenal fatigue; I use this one at night
• Probiotics - I take one each night
• Magnesium Citrate - I take 200 mg each night before bed; supposedly it helps prevent migraines

So, wow, that is quite a list, right?  It seems insane to me that there is so much wrong with my body that I need all of that supplementation.  The even more insane part is that I have even more vitamins in my cabinet that I don't take.  Namely fish oil, calcium, iron, and vitamin D.  I'm low on vitamin D so I need to start taking it, but honestly, there's no room left in my little pill box!  I'll replace the B-6 with it once I've used it up though (28 more days).  I'm also using the adrenal creams now just because I have them and want to use them up.  Once they're gone, they won't be replaced.  Same with the probiotics.  That leaves me with six things I will continue to take plus I should be taking the fish oil and vitamin D.  So, eight things I'm supposed to take every day.  That is nuts... Is this what healthy people really do?

The other thing on my mind right now is that I need a new pair of black flats.  I am not sure what to buy because I really tend to wear my shoes out fast.  I tend to wear black flats a lot (4+ days a week) and I guess since I walk so much they just don't last.  The pair I am replacing is less than a year old.  They weren't super expensive, probably around $40, but still, I hate spending money on another pair when I liked the ones I had.  I've already repaired them once (I did it myself), so now I know it's time for them to go.  Any suggestions for a good quality brand that will last a long time?

That's all I've got for now.  I plan to take the stairs after I do my shoe shopping at lunch, I guess.  Still on nine floors; I'll probably add the 10th floor tomorrow.  Have a good day!

Routine is My Friend

Another Monday and another week of work is underway.  I hate going to work, but I know I really need the routine of a job.  I have no idea how people who are self-employed do it, to be honest.  I procrastinate a lot on the weekends lately and don't get anything done.  I don't know if it's depression, the hypothyroid, or something else, but I have been very unmotivated lately.

I had a garage sale on Friday.  The weather was terrible and as a result so was the turn out.  But, that's okay; I was just happy to not be at work.  One thing that wasn't great about Friday, and the whole weekend really, was my diet.  My mom is a HORRIBLE influence.  She is truly addicted to McDonald's.  I used to love McD's, but lately I don't like it much.  It just doesn't taste that good and it's impossible to eat gluten-free there and get anything that tastes even halfway decent.  I minimized gluten as much as I felt I could and got McNuggets.  They were not good.  I'm really not sure why my mom likes them so much.  I feel like they used to taste good and I honestly think that she remembers how they used to be and doesn't taste how they actually are now or something.  If I never had another McNugget that would be fine with me.

So, yeah, that's how my Friday started.  Then I went out with my sister and friend and my diet got even worse.  I only had 3 drinks (over about 5 hours), but we ate at a Mexican restaurant then had fries and then had pie!  The pie was really an ice cream thing, so I don't think it had any grains/gluten, but still, it was pure sugar and not good.  The fries were really good, the Mexican was pretty good, the pie wasn't that great.  I shouldn't have had any of it, but I was so hungry that I couldn't stop myself.  I still don't know why I was so hungry, either.

Saturday and Sunday I just didn't have any motivation.  I wanted to make soap this weekend, but I never did.  I also wanted to change out the kitchen faucet, but that didn't happen either.  I hate feeling so sluggish.  I'm tired all the time lately.  I'm tired right now, in fact, even though I got over 7 hours of sleep last night and took a nap for like 2 hours yesterday.  I shouldn't be feeling so tired.  I think I need to get some vitamin D.  In fact, I think I might go and get some right now, since that is a reason to get out of this office.   Plus, I haven't done the stairs yet today (9 floors this week).

I hope I'm out of this funk soon...

Whew...

It turns out I'm not pregnant.  I'm both relieved and a little sad.  Mostly relieved though.  I had a couple occasions over the past 4 weeks where I drank a lot and I know that would not have been great if I had been pregnant, but there was nothing I could do about it since they had already happened.  Now, if we try again, I can make sure I stay away from alcohol from the beginning.

Also, now that that has passed, I can get back to my original focus of this blog, losing weight.  I'm down another 0.2 pounds today, so I'm at 191.8.  This is what I weighed after that terrible potato hack I did a couple weeks ago.  I can't remember if I posted about that, but man, it was awful.  What I did was eat nothing but potatoes (either baked or boiled with no fat).  The idea, I guess, is that the lack of fat will cause your body to burn fat and the resistant starch in the potatoes will improve your gut health.  In reality, I ended up very tired, very cold and very gassy.  Not a great combo.  I couldn't exercise at all because I was so wiped out for the 5 days I did this.  I went from 195 to 191.8, but then immediately gained 3 pounds after eating 1 normal dinner.  So, obviously, this wasn't a long term solution.

I hate to admit this, but I think tracking what you eat does work.  At least, in my case, it causes me enough guilt that I don't eat things I want to eat and I'll choose lower calorie options so that my tracker looks good.  I've tried to track my food dozens of times in the past and I've always hated it.  Just like now, I don't mind it so much when I'm at work, but at home and on the weekends it is always a challenge.  I find it a little easier with My Fitness Pal than I did with Weight Watchers or Spark People because they seem to have the best database of foods.  I don't have to manually enter as many foods and their recipe calculator is quicker, which I appreciate.  So, I guess I'll just keep with it. You can see my tracker here.

In other news, I'm still reading Wheat Belly Total Health.  I like the book, but I'm not 100% in love.  I guess it's because I've been at this grain-free thing for a long time now and I know it isn't the solution the books make it out to be.  In my case, I didn't lose any weight. I always assumed it was because I was still eating too much, but tracking is showing that I actually don't.  My diet hasn't  been 100% grain free because lately I don't think every grain is that bad.  A corn tortilla once in awhile won't kill anyone.  Neither will some rice.  Wheat, I agree, is awful and needs to be avoided.

My issue with the book is that it is very heavy handed about being anti-carbohydrate.  I've tried a low-carb diet and it doesn't result in weight loss for me.  I am slightly hypothyroid and maybe that's why.  I've heard that low-carb and hypo don't mix well.  I have been taking nature throid, 32.5 mg each morning, and so far, no changes.  Weight loss hasn't really been any easier, I'm still tired earlier than I should be, still have cold hands and feet, etc.  So, yeah, I don't know.  The book is pretty similar to the original Wheat Belly, so if you've read that I don't think there's a huge need to run out and buy the second book.  But, if you're new to the whole concept of a grain-free lifestyle, then I would recommend skipping the original Wheat Belly and reading Wheat Belly Total Health instead.

I should be finishing the book in a couple days and then I'm going to move on to the Perfect Health Diet which was recommended to me by several posters on Mark's Daily Apple.  Maybe following that plan will finally help me really shed some weight.  We'll see.

I have tomorrow off, yay!  If I don't post again have a good weekend!

Coming soon - My natural toothpaste recipe.  :)  I love natural beauty products and hopefully I'll have many interesting tutorials here soon.

Weigh Day

Another day, another weigh-in.  I'm 192.0 again today and my waist is down a bit to 41.5".  So, I suppose that is good news.  I'm still not sure if I am pregnant; no change in that department.  I took a second test yesterday that was negative.  I feel fine with either outcome right now, I just wish I knew what was going on.

On Friday I am supposed to go out with my sister and friend.  We're planning on going to this Mexican restaurant that is known for good margaritas.  The margaritas are really the only reason to go there, so once again, I'll be in a scenario where drinking is expected and it will be very strange if I don't participate.  I plan to take another test Friday morning.  If it's negative, I guess I'll just enjoy the margaritas.  If it's positive, I have no idea what I'll do.  Maybe I can chase our waiter down and ask him to make it virgin or something.  I'm not sure how I'll do that inconspicuously, but maybe I can pull it off.  A virgin margarita... gross.

Since I started taking the stairs last week I've done it each work day.  Today I increased to the 9th floor and I'll stick with that until next week unless it somehow becomes super easy.  That isn't likely though, since I still need to minimize sweating due to being at work.  Adding the one floor didn't make much difference though; as is always the case for me, the hardest part is my breathing.  I have no idea what the problem is, but when I do any cardio type workout I find it tough to breathe.  I'm always constricted by my heart rate/breathing and not by my muscles.  Back when I was running 5ks my legs never hurt or burned during the runs.  Same thing now with the stairs.  I thought it was exercise asthma or something, but an inhaler didn't help at all.

Anyway, if it isn't obvious, this pregnancy stuff is weighing heavily on my mind.  I just want to know.  I'm very worried about gaining weight.  I'm pretty hell-bent on losing down to at least 185 before the second trimester (and hopefully I can get lower than that) so that when I inevitably gain 10ish pounds, I'm not worse off than I am now.  I cannot get over 200 pounds.  It. Can. Not. Happen.

The bright spot on this pregnancy stuff is that my husband finally agreed to buy some furniture for one of our empty bedrooms.  I'm pretty excited.  We got it from Penny Mustard and it is REALLY nice.  It's definitely higher quality than any other furniture we have (and has the price tag to go with that, unfortunately).  So far we got the dresser, mirror and night stand.  I'll admit, the style isn't what I would have picked if I could have picked anything in the universe, but I think it is sort of kid-ish with the exaggerated tapered legs and yet I can make it work in a regular guest room too in the future (or now).  We got a very good deal on these since one of the stores is moving.  Here are some pictures:

 

The mirror comes off so I won't arrange it like this in the room.

The nightstand has hidden drawers! :)

The piece we haven't bought yet is the crib, mostly because the floor model was sold already.  But, we do plan to get it.  We're going to check the outlet store first, just in case.  The crib converts to a full size bed, so I may set it up that way initially, just to keep my secret safe.  No one who knows me would think it is even slightly odd that I bought a bedroom set like this on a whim.  Luckily, I can decorate without any explanation.  Anyway, here a picture of the crib:

We don't have the pieces yet and, apparently, we won't be getting them for about a month.  That's fine though.  I really want to paint the room and we need to figure some other furniture logistics out.  Right now I have a friend's childhood bedroom set in the room we'd likely use as the nursery (the room closest to ours).  The set is very 70s/80s looking, but it's also very solid.  I'd like to get rid of it, but my husband thinks that is silly so we'll probably paint it instead.  But, then there's the issue of moving it to the next room over, which is empty.  If I buy new furniture and change the rooms that probably would cause suspicion.  Plus, I will decorate the room differently for a boy/girl, so I need to know that before I can really go all out on the decorating.  When it comes to decorating it's hard for me to slow down because I love doing it so much.  I don't want to get too far ahead of myself though, especially since I am probably not pregnant at this very moment.  I do think it's only a matter of time though.  

Sorry this post is so disjointed.  It's nice to think about something I love (decorating) instead of constantly obsessing about something I hate (my weight).  I feel like I'm making progress on my weight though.  I'm sure that is at least partially due to not drinking, so that's the upside to pregnancy preparation or whatever it's called.  

A New Week, More Confusion

If you read my post from Friday you know that I was sort of freaking out about possibly being pregnant.  I'm no less confused about that today.  I'm now 8 days late.  I've taken two tests and both were negative though, so I basically have no idea what is going on.  I posted on a couple forums, but no real answers.  Apparently it's at least not unheard of to be really late after having paragard removed.  So, maybe that is really all there is to it.  I would really just like an answer though.

On the weight front, things are okay.  I'm 192.0 today.  I've been tracking consistently with my fitness pal and I'm staying under my calorie limits.  It's actually not very tough to stay under the limit, which just tells me that I was not over-eating all along.  It also doesn't explain why my weight is stuck in this annoying range of 190+.  I need to get under 170, seriously.

As far as working out is concerned, I'm not feeling it lately.  I still maintain my 10,000 steps a day and I decided to work toward climbing the stairs in my office.  I'm on the 21st floor.  Currently I'm climbing to the 8th floor (which is like going 10 floors because the first two floors are more than 20 feet high).  I'm hoping to add at least 1 floor a week to that.  I know I could climb all 21 floors right now but I don't because I can't come into work as a big sweaty mess.  So, I'll have to increase gradually, I guess.

So that's where I am today.  Check out my links page if you want to see my food diary.

Friday Thoughts

I'm so happy it is Friday, as I am every single week. This Friday is particularly nice because my boss is not in the office today, so I just feel more free to come and go.  There's not a ton of work to do right now and, frankly, I cannot focus anyway.

I have a lot on my mind, I guess.  I'm holding at 193 the past 2 days and my waist may be 1/2" smaller (so back to 42").  That's good, I suppose, even though 193 isn't exactly anything to go nuts about.  What is really is on my mind is that I might be pregnant.  There.  I said it. 

I'm obviously not normal about this stuff.  I'm 32 years old, well off financially, basically at a point where I'm bored with my life as it is and my husband and I made a very deliberate decision to try.  I had a Paragard IUD for 8 years that I got removed on August 25th.  My husband and I both come from fertile families, so I knew it wouldn't take much to become pregnant, and I think I may have been right.  I'm only 3 days late (really closer to 5 because I usually start spotting before; I haven't been late like this, umm, ever?). Honestly, I don't even want to take a test because I'm afraid of what it will say.  I'm going to a wedding tomorrow with my sisters; they will notice if I don't drink anything and how will I explain it?  

So, here's where me being totally weird comes in.  No one close to me besides my husband knows we were even considering having a baby.  Not my mom, not my sisters, not my closest friends.  I haven't told anyone we were thinking about it because it's so outside of how I see myself, I guess.  I'm afraid of how it will change my relationships with everyone.  I know my parents and in-laws will be happy, but I'm not so sure about my friends.  

Here's the other way I know I'm weird.  I just can't picture myself pregnant.  I can't picture having a baby at all, really.  I want to do it whenever I'm around my nephew and small cousin, but I don't know, all of my friends are single and nowhere near ready for kids.  I don't think most of them will ever have children.  From that perspective I can't imagine being around them with a kid.  It's going to be such a change...

I downloaded some app for my phone and I was reading a message board.  Every other post is a woman freaking out that she's losing her baby, having a miscarriage, etc.  I was looking at a board of women due in June 2015, so these women cannot be more than 5 weeks pregnant.  Meanwhile, I have no idea how to feel about being pregnant either way.  I'm afraid to take a test because then it's real.  I made a very conscious decision to try and get pregnant though.  If it didn't happen right now, I don't think I'd be super upset because, at this point, I don't even know.  I certainly don't feel anything physically.  How can these women be so upset about something that, at most, they have known about for a couple weeks?  Aren't the first few weeks always tenuous?  Of course this is all making me sound like an insensitive bitch.  I know most 32 year olds don't get pregnant by having sex two times, the way I may have.  Even so, it's such a life altering thing, how can anyone be so sure that they want it?  

Anyway, this is all to say that my mind isn't 100% focused on my weight currently.  I still want to lose weight.  The thing about pregnancy that really terrifies me is that I will probably gain weight.  I don't think I can mentally handle it if I'm over 200 pounds.  I will freak out and probably be in a very dark place emotionally if that happens.  Hopefully I can lose some weight early or something... I don't know.  

Hump Day

So, another boring day in the office.  I have been reading Wheat Belly Total Health and last night after reading about the "miraculous" health benefits that come along with a grain free lifestyle I was feeling pretty optimistic.  But, then today I stepped on the scale and measured my waist.  I'm down 1.2 pounds from yesterday, so I should be happy about that, but my waist is 1/2" larger!  WTF?  I'm so frickin' sick of this!!

Here's the thing, I'm an intelligent, creative and fun person when I'm feeling good.  Yet I spend about 90% of my waking hours thinking about my weight.  That should be a startling figure but it's such a part of my life that it seems normal.  A typical day goes something like this:

6:00 am - The alarm goes off.  I wish I could stay in bed all day and immediately start worrying about what I'll wear to work that day.  I run through my week in my head to figure out if there is a day coming up where I should look better than other days so I can wear my most flattering outfit that day.  I decide that today is a no big deal day and settling on wearing gray pants and my blue sweater and scarf.  I despise the way I look in the pants, but since I don't have any meetings at least not that many people will see me.

7:10 am - About to get in the shower, so it's time to weigh myself.  I'm down 1.2 pounds, yay.  Now to measure... up 1/2" inch.  WTF?!?!  Spend the next 15 minutes in the shower feeling shitty and avoiding looking in the mirrors across the bathroom.

7:40 am - Time to leave.  I spent the last 15 minutes going back and forth in my head as to weather I should wear my jacket.  It's really much too warm to wear it, but I feel like at least my top half looks better with it on.  Ultimately I decide to go without it, but I regret that on the entire walk to the train.  On my walk I worry about what I'll wear to the wedding I'm going to this weekend and how I wish I could avoid being in any of the photos.  I recall the pictures from my cousin's wedding in April.  I'm pretty sure I was 5 pounds lighter then and the photos were hideous. I honestly cannot even look at them.  Thinking about it again now makes me want to cry...

8:00 - 10:00 am - On the train I read Wheat Belly Total Health and trying to psych myself up to really go grain free.  After that I walk to work, adjusting my clothes many times on the way.  Once in the elevator I adjust things again before walking into the office.  Finally, at my desk I eat my breakfast of Chobani, banana and honey.  I don't really like it and I'm still hungry after, but I know I shouldn't eat anything else because I'm trying to lose weight.  Since I've been at work I've already read 2 weight loss blogs and used a calorie calculator to try and figure out how much I'm likely to burn in a day.

That brings me to the present time.  I've spent less than 15 minutes so far today thinking about anything other than my weight.  It's actually amazing I can even hold a job given that I'm focused on something totally unrelated to it most of the time.

So, there you have it.  The weight-focused inner monologue of an obese 32 year old.  When I think about it it shocks me that anyone could think overweight people are somehow unaware of their size.  There MIGHT be 2 overweight men somewhere in the world that aren't aware.  The rest of us are painfully aware that we're taking up too much space and don't fit with our world's ideals.  I really can't even think about much of anything else.  I wonder what thin people think about... of course, if they were ever overweight, then they are probably still worried about their weight most of the time.

Anyway, rather than write out my menu for today I'm going to try and find an app or something to track my food in, maybe.  I honestly despise tracking my food but I probably should just do it.  It isn't as though I'm thinking about anything else anyway.

What's For Dinner - 09/23/2014

Since I'm not sure where I'm headed right now with my diet, I am going to make one of my old favorites for dinner tonight, Cuban Pork Burgers, from PaleOMG.  I love this recipe because it's really easy and it makes 4 burgers so Rob and I will both have something to bring for lunch tomorrow.

When I hit up the grocery store, I think I will also buy some fruit, most likely apples.  I'm going to try and have an apple for dessert instead of the frozen yogurt which has become all too common in my diet lately.  I am in love with frozen yogurt for some reason... It's weird because prior to about 2 months ago I never had it.  I hate to think it's what is responsible for my weight gain, but I am sure it hasn't helped.  The only silver lining to my frozen yogurt habit is that I have to walk to get it, so at least my husband and I usually get in about a mile of walking.

Thinking ahead, I think we'll have these kebabs for dinner on Wednesday with grilled vegetables.  That will also be lunch on Thursday.  Dinner for Thursday and Friday are still up in the air right now because I really can't think that far ahead.

Starting Off

I'm honestly not even sure where to begin right now.  There are so many things I want to say about my weight loss journey and I'm not exactly sure how I will focus this blog.  I guess I should start off with my current stats and we can go from there:

Age - 32
Height - 5'6"
Weight - 195.4
Waist - 42" (at belly button/largest part)

I'm also currently very tired and not sure where to go from here.  I've done all the typical diets and have been following a primal/paleo diet for almost 3 years with no results whatsoever.  It is very discouraging.  I have hypothyroid symptoms and about a month ago was prescribed a very low dose of Nature Throid (32.5 mg/day).  So far the thyroid medicine has done nothing that I can tell.  I have no trouble sleeping and my biggest problem in that department is that I just sleep too damn much.  I usually fall asleep around 9:00 pm and get up around 6:30.  That's a lot of sleep.

As for exercise, well, I hate it!  I have never enjoyed exercise, despite many years of telling myself I feel better after a workout.  The reality is, after a workout I feel exactly how I feel before; tired, depressed and fat.  What's the point?  I force myself to exercise anyway pretty often, but it's never something I look forward to.  My main activity is walking; I walk about 10,000 steps a day just as part of my daily life.  So, at least that is something.

When it comes to food, I'm lost lately.  I recently did a "potato hack" where I ate nothing but baked or boiled potatoes for 5 days.  I did it to lose weight.  I lost 5 pounds in those 5 days, but I've gained all of them back in the 4 days since I stopped, so it obviously wasn't even a short term success.  I felt terrible the entire time I did that, as well.  So, in order to hopefully find some direction, I am currently reading Wheatbelly Total Health and then I'm going to read The Perfect Health Diet which was recommended to me by my forum friends at Mark's Daily Apple.  I'm more excited about The Perfect Health Diet, but Wheatbelly is a pretty quick read for me so I'll probably be starting it in a few days.

So, here's what I've eaten today:

9:00 - Chobani 0% Plain Yogurt, Medium Banana, 1 tbsp Honey (guesstimate)
10:15 - Coffee with Half & Half and Stevia, String Cheese
12:45 - Taco Salad: Lettuce, Tomato, Onion, Cheese, Ground Bison, Pinto Beans, Sour Cream (the whole salad is around 3 cups)
5:15 - Apple with Peanut Butter
7:00 - Cuban Pork Burgers
8:00 - Caramels (4, I made them using a recipe without any corn syrup, but they did have honey and sugar)

Cups of Water - 6.5

Supplements - Metagenics FolaPro, B12, Milk Thistle, InterFase Plus Enzymes

The FolaPro, B12 and Milk Thistle were recommended by my doctor, but I'll get into that in another post.

I know I have some disordered thinking about food and I'm working on it.  Just as an example. I found out today that we're getting a refund on a TV we purchased because the manufacturer refused to stand by the warranty.  It's awesome because the TV was quite expensive.  My first thought was to celebrate with champagne or dinner out.  Not good.  My first thought SHOULD be that we'll be able to put more money in our retirement account or something, not food.

In any event, I'll hopefully remember to update the rest of my food log for the day.  I plan to record my weight on a separate page/log every Wednesday.  I know if I'm ever going to keep the weight off I'll have to lose it responsibly and probably slowly.  Damn, I hate that.  I'm not a patient person.