Hump Day

So, another boring day in the office.  I have been reading Wheat Belly Total Health and last night after reading about the "miraculous" health benefits that come along with a grain free lifestyle I was feeling pretty optimistic.  But, then today I stepped on the scale and measured my waist.  I'm down 1.2 pounds from yesterday, so I should be happy about that, but my waist is 1/2" larger!  WTF?  I'm so frickin' sick of this!!

Here's the thing, I'm an intelligent, creative and fun person when I'm feeling good.  Yet I spend about 90% of my waking hours thinking about my weight.  That should be a startling figure but it's such a part of my life that it seems normal.  A typical day goes something like this:

6:00 am - The alarm goes off.  I wish I could stay in bed all day and immediately start worrying about what I'll wear to work that day.  I run through my week in my head to figure out if there is a day coming up where I should look better than other days so I can wear my most flattering outfit that day.  I decide that today is a no big deal day and settling on wearing gray pants and my blue sweater and scarf.  I despise the way I look in the pants, but since I don't have any meetings at least not that many people will see me.

7:10 am - About to get in the shower, so it's time to weigh myself.  I'm down 1.2 pounds, yay.  Now to measure... up 1/2" inch.  WTF?!?!  Spend the next 15 minutes in the shower feeling shitty and avoiding looking in the mirrors across the bathroom.

7:40 am - Time to leave.  I spent the last 15 minutes going back and forth in my head as to weather I should wear my jacket.  It's really much too warm to wear it, but I feel like at least my top half looks better with it on.  Ultimately I decide to go without it, but I regret that on the entire walk to the train.  On my walk I worry about what I'll wear to the wedding I'm going to this weekend and how I wish I could avoid being in any of the photos.  I recall the pictures from my cousin's wedding in April.  I'm pretty sure I was 5 pounds lighter then and the photos were hideous. I honestly cannot even look at them.  Thinking about it again now makes me want to cry...

8:00 - 10:00 am - On the train I read Wheat Belly Total Health and trying to psych myself up to really go grain free.  After that I walk to work, adjusting my clothes many times on the way.  Once in the elevator I adjust things again before walking into the office.  Finally, at my desk I eat my breakfast of Chobani, banana and honey.  I don't really like it and I'm still hungry after, but I know I shouldn't eat anything else because I'm trying to lose weight.  Since I've been at work I've already read 2 weight loss blogs and used a calorie calculator to try and figure out how much I'm likely to burn in a day.

That brings me to the present time.  I've spent less than 15 minutes so far today thinking about anything other than my weight.  It's actually amazing I can even hold a job given that I'm focused on something totally unrelated to it most of the time.

So, there you have it.  The weight-focused inner monologue of an obese 32 year old.  When I think about it it shocks me that anyone could think overweight people are somehow unaware of their size.  There MIGHT be 2 overweight men somewhere in the world that aren't aware.  The rest of us are painfully aware that we're taking up too much space and don't fit with our world's ideals.  I really can't even think about much of anything else.  I wonder what thin people think about... of course, if they were ever overweight, then they are probably still worried about their weight most of the time.

Anyway, rather than write out my menu for today I'm going to try and find an app or something to track my food in, maybe.  I honestly despise tracking my food but I probably should just do it.  It isn't as though I'm thinking about anything else anyway.