I think I'm experiencing my first serious mood swing. I'm really depressed right now and I feel like I could start crying at any moment. I don't know if this is a pregnancy thing or just my let down now that the Whole 30 is over or what.
Right now, I am really worried about gaining weight. I know it's normal during pregnancy, but it shouldn't happen for at least a few more months. I know that if I start to eat anything outside the Whole 30 framework that I will gain weight right away. I'm totally paranoid about it. I gained 0.2 pounds since yesterday already, probably because I ate some chips and had 2 bites of a peanut butter cup. I hate that it takes such a tiny amount to throw me totally off course. With my body, there really is just no room for error.
I can't say that I'm enjoying pregnancy so far. I don't feel that great. I am tired and yawning all day lately, on top of going to bed around 8:30. The breast tenderness is out of control. I'm worried about what I am eating. I'm also worried that someone is going to learn "my secret" before I'm ready to tell it. That may be the hardest part, that I cannot tell anyone. At the same time though, I don't really want to tell anyone either.
Maybe it's just me, but I don't really find the pregnant body to be beautiful. I don't want to look like that and knowing that I will is upsetting. I'm not like my sister or my cousin who can have a belly but look okay in pictures still. I know I'll probably gain 30 pounds and end up the heaviest I've ever been. That is terrifying. I also know that I won't be able to lose the weight without a huge battle. For my sister and cousin it just went away. A few weeks after their babies were born they were back to their old selves, at least as far as anyone could tell. The fact that my body doesn't work that way makes me feel like a failure. Why do I have to wear my failures so openly on my body? Why can't the be hidden like everyone else's?
Ugh, this just sucks. I feel like I'm the only fat pregnant person. I'm definitely the only one I've ever known. I don't know if I should be seeing a therapist about this or what. Maybe my midwife will be able to say something on Monday to put me in a different head space. I don't know. What I do know is that I'm really nervous and have no one to talk to in real life. My husband doesn't get it. He dove head first into beer and chocolate yesterday. If I did that I'd undo everything I accomplished with the Whole 30 in a single night. It feels so unfair. My younger sisters drink wine every night. If I do that, I just gain, gain, gain.
I hate my body so much. Right now I feel cursed. I want a nice looking body, is that really too much to ask?
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