Maybe it's just me, but it seems like this winter is never going to end. I'm so tired of feeling cold all the time! I'm tired of snow and ice. I just want it to be 40 degrees. The average high temperature this time of year is 38, but we haven't been close to that in weeks. I wonder if the season and weather are contributing to my fatigue.
Yesterday was the start of week 8 of this pregnancy. My symptoms seem to come and go lately. I like it when they're gone, of course. But, regardless of the nausea, I'm still tired all the time. I've actually managed to lose another 1.4 pounds somehow. I'm at 185.2 today. So close to being out of the obese category! Yet, obviously, I won't stay this way, which makes me a little sad. As always, I'm worried about putting on a ton of weight during pregnancy and not being able to lose it. I know a lot of women don't lose weight until they stop breastfeeding. I am not patient enough to wait that long. I really hope my body doesn't do that to me; I feel like my body has betrayed me enough as it is.
As far as emotions go, pregnancy has me thinking about a lot of different things. I worry that I am going to resent my baby because of how much day care costs. Maybe that sounds weird, but I earn too much money to stop working, yet day care is so expensive it makes my job resentment that much stronger. I already hate this job (and every professional job I've ever had). I'm worried I'll hate it 30% more when I see 30% of my take home pay going to pay a baby sitter. I don't know why I think I'd resent the baby though, I'd rather be home with a baby than be here. I guess, really, I'm just worried that I won't handle things well emotionally when I'm paying so much to come to a job I hate. I don't know how other parents deal with this. In my head, the full cost of day care comes out of my salary because I'm the one that would stay home if it were an option.
I still haven't told anyone about the pregnancy, but I feel like I'm going to slip up very soon. Rob and I have talked about names a little. Rob found some website and started a list of names. The names he picked are horrible! There's maybe one out of the fifteen he picked I could tolerate. I don't like it, but I could deal with it if I had no other choice. That's not a great record. I'd love to read these names to someone else and see if they hate them as much as I do. They all sound very, I don't know, ethnic or something. Many of them sound/are Japanese. We are not Japanese and I've never even been to Japan (and really, I have no desire to go, sorry). Why would I want my kid to have a Japanese name? That just doesn't compute with me. If one of us were Japanese, then that would be a totally different story but I'm Irish and Swedish mostly and Rob is mostly German.
Anyway, in other news, I decided once and for all to move on from the toxic friends I had. I feel good about that decision. I was actually really worried about how they'd handle the news that I am pregnant, so it's kind of nice that I don't have to worry about that anymore. Of course, one of them will not let things go; she's convinced she can somehow fix things. She can't though. If she actually cared about my feelings at all she wouldn't have let this go on for 10 years. At the end of the day, she cares about the attention from men way more than she cares about me. It's a little sad that she's so insecure, but that's just how she is. At the moment I feel relieved though. These former friends probably don't feel that way, but honestly, that's not my problem anymore.
So, I guess that's all that is happening here right now. I'm very ready to get out of this office for the day so I can sleep!
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